Something will hurt today

It is a foregone conclusion that at least once everyday you will not be paying attention and smash yourself with a hammer or catch your arm on something you didn’t see and tear a hole in it. It’s ok. We have accepted the fact we must feel extreme pain everyday due to our own jackassery. Bleeding is fun. It let’s you know you’re still alive.

Lending DVD’s to friends = losing them

I know I am not the only one to lend a DVD to a friend, only to show up at his house years later and find it gathering dust in his collection. The usual response to this situation is “That’s mine!” Then you forget all about it and go home and watch his copy of “The Shawshank Redemption” that has been sitting on your counter for the past year and a half. It’s how the man-barter system works.

‘Fag’ is a term of endearment

It is your duty as a man to call a friend a fag at the slightest hint of him doing something that may be considered womanly. While it may be politically incorrect it is not meant as such. It is a way of giving shit to buddies when they are acting all chick-like. Stay away from me, Al Sharpton! I know your weakness, and its name is Hostess…

You punch your best friends

Sometimes, you punch them on sight. It is our way of saying hi. Chicks hug each other, guys punch each other. Sometimes we hug each other too, but that usually ends up in an attempted pile-driver and an all out Thursday night Smackdown rastlin match… steel chairs mandatory, not optional. It is how men have been greeting each other since the dawn of Tool Time.

We all like bacon

Even if our religious or cultural inclination says otherwise. Man-law prevails over everything… which is, ironically, man-law number 12. Besides, chicken bacon can make a man just as happy as meat cut off a pig. As long as it’s a thin cut, fried in a ton of grease, and goes well with eggs… we want it… NOW! If you are a woman, that last line was not just a hint…

Johnny Cash is one cool motherfucker

If you find yourself saying “But zero, I don’t like country music…”, punch yourself in the face… hard. You also deserve a kick to the nuts. Johnny Cash was the single most bad ass SOB to ever pick up a guitar and strum a few chords. Wear your vaginas proud, Johnny Cash haters. You have earned them.

It is your right to fuck a job up at least once

My motto is simple: I do things right because I do things twice. The first fix we apply is never THE fix. It is always the preliminary fix that shows us exactly what is wrong with the god damn thing so we can go in and finish it up. It is how we tinker, learned from our grandfathers who killed Nazis with pocketknives in blizzards. It is how they won the war. While the Germans were busy being efficient and fixing everything right, the Americans threw duct tape on tank guns and pushed through to Berlin!

300 kicks ass

If you are ever asked the question “How would you like to die?”, there should be no hesitation: “With 299 other Spartans protecting Thermopile from the Persian Cowards!” If you haven’t seen this movie at least 50 times in the last year your wood-chopping license will be revoked as per man bylaw number 126, section 12, paragraph 22, which clearly states: “Watch 300 50 times before September, otherwise you’re a Nancy Boy who can’t handle an axe!”

We don’t like guys we don’t know

A lot of times our significant others will wonder why we don’t immediately make nice with their guy friends. “But, you have so much in common!” It is simple: we do not know them. As men, we don’t take too kindly to things we don’t know. Until that dude brings over beer and talks football at the man-bar we all should have set up in our living rooms, he is a foreign threat and will receive no punches or steel chairs to the back.